I doubt you will ever read this.
(I have forged a weapon in your name)
I used to wake up in the morning and my flesh would begin to scream.
I used to rip bleeding chunks out of existence, to find my ghost and wash it clean.
I found you embedded in beating hearts, I watched you pierce through fever and light.
I ran to you so you could run me through.
Pray, give me sight
I held ice to the angry burn on her finger until she protested the pain.
Then begged me to apply it again.
She hurt herself making a morning meal
Honest to god
I didn’t know how to feel.
Eggs relish and steak, heart and pain on a plate.
My senses embraced,
I thought, surely, this must be fate.
Even though we ate freely
We both had reservations
Mouthfuls of courage
But bite-sized intentions
it was all or nothing and I chose starvation
I pick the scorn from my teeth
I try to forget my elation
In the summer we would meet sometimes
Play body lego
Amazing how the pieces always seem to fit.
It was never love
We didn’t care
I loved the way we clicked.
You condemn me to hell
Why do I feel so cold?
The mask creeps over your face, the light in your eyes contorts.
You say my path is death
Is this why you haunt me?
I won’t bow to your god
As dim as it is,
I emit my own light
I won’t come to your arms
Maintain a distance of their length
I can’t move from where I stand
You can’t come to where I am
This place I built inside me
Won’t stop splitting at the seams
I hear the buzzing of all its violence
I feel it gnawing at my dreams
I guard the only exit
I bar the only way
I fill the space with nothing
Push you out
Into the day
I don’t deserve a break
but I’m broken down
to within an inch of my resolve.
I see my desperation in disgust
My despair in dismay
I just want out, I beg for reprieve
Just one day of peace
Just one moment of serene
But the salivating mess that crouches on my mind
knows no mercy
gives no quarter
in the fucking dirt
The way life used to hurt.
The way every nuance of sensation was white-hot to the touch.
being a living, perpetual explosion
I cradle the memory in my arms,
Singing softly to the past.
Because now, it all evades me.
I’m reclined in a crook of the wavelength
Grasping at the belly of meaning.
I’d curse this numbness, if only I could remember the words.
I used to wish the pain away
Now I wish it hurt.